Draw My Life- Jenna Marbles

Ok so I know that I posted something from Jenna Marbles a little bit ago but currently her posts seem to be speaking my language (not to mention the fact that I pretty much want to  be her when I grow up.) If you haven't watched the video do that now....I'm waiting...did you do it? Ok, we are now on the same page. So she keeps going back to the Sad Jenna picture and that is what I am feeling like lately. Now don't get me wrong there are some really good things in my life, Jason of course being at the top of my list, but then there are all these other things that just keep digging at me.

The first thing that I have been struggling with for a few years now is mostly a society based obligation, for lack of better word. I really figured by the time that I was thirty that I would be married, have a neat house, and have a career and maybe be thinking about kids. You know that text book, cookie cutter, this is how your life should go, life. And I know that it is what society tells us we should have and that I don't need any of those things to be successful in my own life, but they are things that I WANT in my life. I am a hopeless romantic and there are times where I would give anything to be able to beat that notion out of my system, but alas I can't. And with these romantic notions floating around in my head are the need to find "the one." I want to be a Disney Princess and be madly in love and live happily ever after. And here I am not even close. Sigh. I  think part of the driving urge behind that is also the fact that I am kinda old fashioned. I want to do the whole get married, enjoy actually being married part and THEN have kids. And the older I get the less time I see for that whole enjoyment part. I don't want to have a late pregnancy. I want to still be reasonably young while raising my kid/kids. Once again, sigh.

And on to the career part, and I think this is the part that is bothering me the most, and really has been for the past several years. I really thought that by now I would have a career. I was even silly enough to think that I would have a career that I enjoy. And for three years I got stuck working a job that was never going to go anywhere doing something I didn't want to be doing because it was what I knew and I was just plain ole scared. Then I finally got the push that I needed and I branched out. I got off the rock. And I got a new job. And at first I thought, you know hey, this isn't really what I want to be doing but maybe I can find something within the company that I would like to do. And so I have been forcing myself to try to conform to this white collar, cookie cutter, corporate job. And I feel like I am losing myself. And the more and more I am trying to make this job work the less and less happy I am. And it is so damn hard because the people are fabulous, and the benefits are good, and there are so many options to move up and all I want to do is get out. I so desperately want to do something that I actually LIKE to do. But you know what the kicker is?? Everything that I actually LIKE to do, I am only GOOD at. And for most of the things that I like to do you have to be AMAZING at. And that pretty much leaves me on the outside looking in.

So here I am, floundering. Still desperately trying to figure out who I am and what am I going to do with my life. Sorry this wasn't really funny or entertaining. Mostly I just needed to get it out on "paper" and hope that maybe that will help me figure it out or something.